


All of this heartache...

by makeme85



Category: Preacher (TV)
Genre: F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Mysterious Past, Road Trips, a Banshee and a Vampire on a Road Trip, meaningful dreams and visions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:21:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24572953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makeme85/pseuds/makeme85
Summary: You an Cassidy know each other for some years now and are on the road together when your unknown past catches up on you and is not quite what you thought it would be...
Relationships: Proinsias Cassidy/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	1. Moments

**Author's Note:**

> This is a collaborative work from my dear tumblr friend lexa-ships-shit and me. We do this for fun so we will update as we feel or have the time. But we wanted to share it!  
> Thank you for having the idea and starting it <3
> 
> PS:  
> This is unbeta'd and we hope you enjoy it!

“All of this heartache I’m trying to save myself and I keep ending up in the same place. Nothing comes easy to remorseless sinners like me, but I do wish I’d stop putting roadblocks in my own way. I’m reckless and thoughtless and I’m a goddamn coward and some days I pray to anyone listening that I need saving.   
I met you one sad day, when I was clinging on for dear life. I never thought we’d end up right here. Everything was hazy and I can barely remember seeing your face. You just stuck around like a lost puppy looking for a friend, never seeing that I was even more lost than you. But it didn't matter, we were instant friends. I remember you made me laugh. Like really laugh, belly ache and eyes tearing. It was the first time in a long time that I had been happy. But I couldn't tell you that, you would have thought I need a friend. Luckily you knew better than me.”  
It was night already, endless darkness stretching over people and places, like an oversized hoodie that’s becoming a second skin. You felt comfortable and simply started talking. He was in the other bed listening carefully without comments. It felt easy, like a confessional but without all the guilt. Feelings that you never wanted to admit were coming to the surface. You were tired and weary and the weight of who you were was too big to carry that night so you asked a friend for help.   
There was this whole being sitting a few feet next to you, with a world of his own, but he was willing to help. Everything felt so distant like you were a mere spectator to all that you were doing or saying.  
“I honestly thought you were a miserable cunt. That’s why I made you laugh. I mean I still think that,but you’ve grown on me. Like poison ivy,” he said with a half smirk.  
You threw a pillow directly into his face and you could hear the impact. You started laughing and pretty soon you were pillow fighting. Two grown idiots fighting and laughing like children. After you finished smashing each other’s faces with those pillows a calm settled over you.  
“I was just trying to say you’re my best friend. You make me laugh like no one else. That’s why I keep you around.”  
“You’re lucky I have a soft spot for you, otherwise I would have really kicked your ass.”  
“I’d like to see that happening. G’night Cass.”  
“G’night love.”  
Morning would undoubtedly come and make everything more harsh, more real than it needs to be. Last night felt like a dream dreamt within a dream and so far away that even if you knew how to touch it, you wouldn’t want to spoil it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because these moments were mostly just that. Moments.  
The two of you had felt connected from the second you've met and therefore you knew each other well. And so many things didn't need to be said out loud and also didn't need to be explained...  
But there were these moments... when it was quiet. when one of you felt the need to express themselves, like... really talk about feelings. Like the way you've felt when you met him. That both of you were lost souls searching for someone else to hold on to. This was one of these things you didn't talk about that much, because you didn't need to. Because you just knew that about each other.  
But when it happened it happened in a uniform manner.  
one of you would pour their heart out and the other one would reply with a smart-ass like remark. You honestly cared for each other and truly listened to the other one. But none of you were capable of getting on the same emotional level when the other one was.  
Like things would get too real when both if you confessed at the same time...  
At least it felt like that for you. And you didn't need to ask him about it because you just knew he felt the same. It was just like that. And it was enough. Most of the time. This was one of those days when you wished that it would not just pass and fade into the daylight. When you wished that one of you was less broken and able to meet the other emotionally. When you wished you could say that out loud... But you knew better than to repair a running system.  
You were on the road again and Cass was sitting in the back seat, where the windows were covered with black tape, rolling a joint and complaining about every time he'd witnessed a drug getting declared illegal. Or a drug becoming illegal and then legal again like alcohol during and after the prohibition. He was hilariously ranting. And when he started to complain about you for laughing at his misery of having to have lived through this you lost your shit and almost peed your pants. He was just about to start with the disco era and its gruesome death when you looked into the rear-view mirror and saw a black van driving behind you. it was that kind of van that looked suspicious right away and you immediately wondered if they were following you. Both you and Cass had enough skeletons in the closet to magically attract trouble like shit attracts flies. So being followed by some suspicious black van wasn't that impossible...  
Cass was still ranting but realized pretty quick that you'd stopped laughing and reacting.

-"What's wrong?" he asked  
-"Black van" was all you said and Cass instantly turned his head to look at it.  
-"Shite. Since when is it there?"  
-"I don't know but I've just turned left for the third time and it's still there"  
-"That's not good."  
-"I know..."


	2. Dreams

The situation was tense even if none of you wanted to admit it. Your eyes met when you looked in the rearview mirror and it seemed that both of you had the same idea. You told Cass to hold on and hit the brakes so hard, the van crashed into you. You got out of your car and with your gun pointed forward you checked the driver’s seat. There was a man sitting there, dressed in an all black suit, with his head on the steering wheel, groaning slowly.  
“Who the hell are you and who do you work for?”  
“I dunno nothing lady”,he said while you grabbed his hair and then slammed it again again the wheel.  
“I’d like to keep this going, but I don’t have the time for it. Now are you gonna talk, or do I have to really start convincing you?”  
“Alright, alright. I’m Bill and I work for….” his voice trailed on.  
“Bill, the suspense is gonna kill you, I promise.”  
“For UNIF.”  
“Who?”  
“United Nations Integrated Forces. We’ve got our hands in all sorts of jars, military, IT and surprisingly…. paranormal events.”   
“So what the hell has that got to do with us?”  
“Well you’re a banshee and he’s a vampire. We’ve been trailing you for quite some time. I need to arrest you both and bring you back to headquarters.”  
“Banshee? Mister you have the wrong people.”  
“No, I don’t, I even have the files on you right here.”  
You took one glimpse on the passenger seat and saw two big files labeled TOP SECRET. You knew you needed more information, so you knocked Bill one last time on the wheel, enough to leave him unconscious, stole the files and took off. The whole mystery was deepening and you didn’t like what you uncovered.   
“Are you gonna tell me what the hell happened or just leave me guessing?” Cass said in a demanding voice.  
“Nothing.”  
He got up from his seat and grabbed the wheel. He started swerving until you were forced to stop the car before you hit a tree. The tree was big and offered plenty of shade, so the both of you got out and started yelling at each other.  
“If you think that I’m just a dumb Irish sideckick I swear I will punch straight in the throat. Now tell me what the actual feck is going on, or else.”  
“Fine, the guy was from some secret organisation that’s hunting us down.”  
“Us? I mean I know that there are vampire hunters out there trying to get me,but why you?”  
“Apparently I am a….banshee.”  
“Banshee? And you never felt like sharing that with me? Like last night for example? Look love, I trust with pretty much anything but that is shite and you should know better than try and spoon feed me that.”  
“You asshole, you unbelievable asshole. I just found out myself. That’s why I took the files and ran. I expect more of them will be coming after us.”  
“Right. Now that might explain a few things.”  
“Like what?”  
“Well that death seems to follow us around. I mean I always thought it was me,but I guess it was both of us.”  
“So what do we do know?”  
“Get back in the car and run. I’m sitting shotgun this time and taking a close look at those files.”  
So that’s what you did, got back in the car and started running. However mad he made you, you knew that Cass was the only one that could ever understand what you were going through. And that made this whole thing a little bit easier. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-"So how come they know you're a banshee and you don't?" Cass murmured absently while skimming through your file, all wrapped up with gloves, shades, hoodie and this ridiculous hat that did absolutely nothing but serve the purpose.  
-"Is that a rhetorical question?!" You replied a little too aggressively because you were still on edge, still processing what you just had learned about yourself.  
-"Huh?" He asked, eyes still attached to your file.  
-"Forget it," you said, shaking your head. Of course it was a rhetorical question, he was just thinking aloud... You didn't know shit about yourself and he knew that. A crying newborn, wrapped up in a dirty blanket and found in the sink of a highway restaurant bathroom. That's what you were. Growing up in orphanages and foster homes, running away at the age of 16 and getting by since then... until you met Cassidy nine years later... Your thoughts trailed off and you looked to the right, watching him reading the files, and remembered yet again how grateful you were for having him by your side. That Irish pain in the ass. A few moments later he started talking.

-"So there's really nothing new here about you. At least nothing that I didn't know already...", he trailed off for a second, still flipping the pages "Wait a second..."  
-"What?"  
-"..."  
-"Cass?"  
-"The last foster home you've been in, the one you ran from...?"  
-"What’s the matter with it?"  
-"It was run by them."  
-"Who? The black van jerks?"  
-"Ya... they'd already got you, kind of...", he trailed off again.  
-"And?"  
-"..."  
-"Proinsias!"  
-"What?!"  
-"Cut it off with the suspense! The last guy who tried that almost got himself killed! Don't you dare challenge me!”  
-"Uuuh, maybe I'm trying to read that damn thing you bleedin' moron!?"  
-"Shut the fuck up and tell me what's written in there!!!" You shouted at him. He took a deep breath, collecting himself.  
-"It seems like they were watching you...", he began, "is there anything... strange you remember?"  
-"You mean except for being the strange one my whole life..?"  
-"Yeah, you being a banshee would explain a lot in that case... In a way... as far as I know..."  
-"Cassidy would you please stop that and just tell me already...!"  
-"Well... according to this the other kids in the orphanages and the members of your foster families had nightmares about you an-"  
-"About me?", you interrupted him. "Are they fucking serious? I had nightmares about every family I stayed with long enough. I never felt welcome no matter where I've been and soon enough the dreams would start and very soon after that I'd be handed around to the next family and the-"  
-"What were they about? Your dreams." He said slowly and cautiously. It sounded suspicious.  
-"What do you mean? Don't be so dramatic. I dreamt I'd be standing outside their house and looking through the window inside. And there they were. Happy and warm and not wanting me there, leaving me outside crying and not caring at all. I don't understand why this is important. That's fear of rejection and loss processed in dreams. What about it???"  
-"They had the exact same dreams about you."  
-"What's that supposed to mean?"  
-"They dreamt you were standing outside and staring through the window. But terribly distorted, with eyes like fire..." He said, his voice heavy with meaning. And yes, it was creepy that all these fuckers had had that same dreams as you but what was it with that drama queen next to you?  
-"And what is that supposed to mean?" You asked annoyed.  
-"Ok, love... listen. Do you even know what a banshee is...?" He asked in that low, deep humming voice that grounded you like nothing else. And for the first time, since the van jerk, you were able to think clear and straight and... no... you really had no idea what a banshee actually was... and Cass told you everything he knew from growing up in Ireland with old tales about old women's ghosts that would lurk around houses and watching through the windows crying and weeping, announcing death to be coming soon, being able to shriek with such supernatural force that i could kill people. Ok so now that really was creepy. And you were such a thing?  
-"But I'm not a ghost!", was the first thing coming to your mind.   
-"No, you very much aren't. At least you don't look like one." He said with a smirk.  
-"And I did not announce death!! Nobody died then."  
-"Well... this file says that dead rodents were found all around your whereabouts... mostly rats and squirrels..." That was enough. You had to pull over and leave the car. But when you tried and failed to open the door with shaking hands Cass touched your shoulder and started stroking your back gently.  
-"Breathe," he said in that calming voice again, "I'm here..." Yes. Thank god or whoever for that he was.  
-"What does all of that mean..." you asked again. But this time with tears of distress starting to pool in your eyes. You could take a lot but this was a bit much to be honest...  
-"Honestly I don't know." He answered, "You are certainly not what I've been told a banshee was. And I grew up where the folklore is coming from. And don't let that them motherbleedin' Scotts tell you any different! They've just claimed that myth..." again he trailed off, sighing. clearly lost for words..., "I mean... it's-" he stammered, "I've never seen one myself... until I met you I guess but- I mean... I do exist so there are obviously vampires and-... I swear to god I've seen that unicorn an-"  
That made you huff a little laugh, making Cass smile in return.  
-"I think I know how you feel is what I'm trying to say..." he said.  
-"Well... at least you had a loving family and knew your parents..." you replied a little sour, well knowing that this was a sensible subject. But you couldn't hold it back. And when you felt his hand on your back faltering you immediately wished you could take it back.  
-"I'm sorry" you said quickly, "I didn't mean it like that."  
-"Well...", he shrugged but looking crestfallen nonetheless "you're right..." You were sitting in silence for another few minutes before he started talking again.  
-"Did you have nightmares while staying in that last home? The UNIF one?"  
-"No. I left before they'd started."  
-"Well.. maybe our jerks were waiting for them to start...Oh and just so you know, I'm not gonna complain about the fact i didn't know about your nightmares either." He said while sounding very much like complaining, causing you to roll your eyes.  
-"I didn't tell you about the nightmares because I haven't thought of them until now."  
-"So you don't have them any more?"  
-"No..." you started to think and suddenly realisation hit you. Your whole life you've moved on. Even after you'd run away. You'd found other people to stay with. For a while at least. But sooner or later the nightmares would start and that was when you couldn't take it anymore and had to leave... Every fucking time. And then you've met Cassidy and you started to remember again that you've been anxious right from the start, knowing that your connection had an expiration date and was doomed. No matter what...  
And you turned to Cassidy, looking at him. Dumbstruck.  
-"They stopped when I met you."


	3. Visions

The silence was deafening. You couldn’t make your body move in any way,even though you were screaming on the inside. You’d been staring at those damn eyes of his and had your whole life play before you, just like people said it happened while you’re dying. But you were very much alive and every fiber of your being was now on edge. You couldn’t even keep up with your thoughts. Maybe this was it,maybe this is how you die. But even you knew that was bullshit.   
He spoke first, his voice barely above a whisper.  
“I didn’t know that. I know a lot of things about you, but you’re full of secrets. I’m still trying to figure you out. I’ve been following you for a few years now, but you still manage to surprise me. I’ve been alive for the better part of a century now and you are by far the most obnoxious, bull-headed, surprising and full of life person I’ve ever known.”  
You remembered the first time you two had met.  
Cassidy was his name and doing drugs was his game. He was a vampire, a pretty young one at that, but he’d always believed that he was more human than he cared to admit. Skinny and unkempt, there was not much of him to look at. He had a way about him; you could see that a raging fire was burning on the inside, even if it was only visible in glimpses. Eyes as green as mother Eire herself and temper just as unpredictable as the waters surrounding it.   
There was no meet-cute, no big moment of bonding. You were at a bar, he asked you a question and you answered. Then you asked him one and so on and so forth until the night gave way to morning. Somehow you were not done talking. You didn’t usually have much to say, but now, feelings were pouring out of you. I guess the best friendships are forged when people are most vulnerable.  
And he was, vulnerable, that is. He had this air of lost puppy about him and you were always a sucker for beings in need. You didn’t want the night to end, so you decided to go for a walk. It wasn’t really planned, you just got out of the bar and kept walking and talking to each other. He had so many stories to tell, and in that moment time stretched infinitely.   
The lightbulb moment came after the two of you had breakfast. You’d go for a ride. It was Louisiana after all, plenty of places of mystical inclinations to get lost. After getting out the shower you realized how crazy this whole thing was. You had a stranger in your house and you were going on a roadtrip with said stranger.  
And you’ve been on the road ever since. He calmed your inner storm and you gave him a sense of purpose. So mismatched, and yet so compatible. You kept thinking that we’re masters of our own destiny and we choose who we let into our own little world, but meeting him was like seeing a meteor by mistake. You were never prepared, but it made your life so much more beautiful for having witnessed it. That’s what Cass was to you, a once in a lifetime phenomenon, Hayley’s comet you got to see by sheer dumb luck.  
“I never knew you saw me that way. I always thought that I was the kid sister to you. And the reason I never told you about the nightmares is because I had always believed our time together had an expiration date. That this would be over soon and I’d be forced to run away again. I just wanted to protect myself a little bit for when the time came, and I would be forced to leave a chunk of my heart with you. “  
“You silly moo...You’d just up and leave me one fine day. That’s callous, even for you. Packing up in the dead of night and leaving little poor old me to fend for myself.”  
He did this very dramatic gesture where he put the back of his hand on his forehead and leaned back while sighing heavily.  
You couldn’t help but laugh. And there it was, the only true feeling commanderie you’ve ever felt in your life. You knew that if the laughs ever stopped and shit hit the fan he’d be willing to lay down his life for you. And you would do the same for him. Maybe that was it. Maybe having one true friend was all that it took for your nightmares to end. Someone to love you with the same fierce intensity you loved them. Maybe feeling truly safe was all that it took. That or some other mystical shit that you had yet to discover was at play. Red thread of destiny….You shook your head, that can’t be it, much too silly, children’s tales.  
So now that the air was cleared you drove on. Endless miles of road stretching before you and the comforting silence to accompany it. Soon it was night, and Cass started taking off all the unnecessary protective gear that he had on. First the awful hat was off and he shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair while moaning softly. It must have been bliss for him not to sweat under that ridiculous excuse for hat, but you were watching him in the corner of your eye and all of a sudden you had a glimpse of a vision that made you swerve the car. It was down right sinful what you saw, but the feeling accompanying it was unlike anything you ever felt.  
“Jayzus woman, I’m trying to unwind here, can you try not to kill us, now that I’m finally comfortable?”  
“Sorry, I guess I’m getting a little bit sleepy,” you lied right through your teeth. You had never felt so awake and so stirred inside. “Maybe you should take the wheel for a while.”  
“Fine. Pull over so I can take all this shite off and then we switch places.”  
You pulled over and the both of you got out of your car. The small road was deserted and quiet. He started by taking off his jacket. It was something he had done a million times before. Change his clothes in front of you once night came. It was a regular occurence, yet tonight seemed different. You saw him in a new light.  
“Feck. I’m taking these little shites off too. My balls have all but evaporated in them pants. I need to breathe.”   
And there he was, in a t-shirt and boxers before you. You must have looked like a complete idiot sitting there, all blushed and your mouth slightly ajar.  
“Are you alright? You seem to be running a fever. You really don’t look very well. You wanna go in the back and sleep?”  
“NO! No, I’ll just sit shotgun and let the air wake me up.”  
“Right. Let’s get going.”  
And off you were. You were trying not to look at him at all costs, but couldn’t help sneak a peek from time to time. You finally closed your eyes and tried to sleep. It wasn’t long before you woke yourself shouting. Cass stopped the car and reached for you.  
“Are you alright? What happened? What did you dream?” He took a better look at you and you look a little disheveled. You were sweaty and breathing rapidly and your eyes were only halfway open. A faint smile lingered on your lips.  
“I’m fine,really. Just dreamt I was falling,that’s all.”  
“That’s one hell of a fall. You look like you just had sex.”  
“Look, I can’t tell you because you’d get all weird about it and I’m not taking that chance.”  
“By hell you are. You’re telling me right now, or else…”, his voice trailed off as he started tickling you. You started kicking and screaming and finally relented.  
“I dreamt we had sex!”  
That stopped him dead in his tracks.  
“Now don’t you fuck about with shite like that. It’s not funny. Sex involves feelings and implies a certain level of commitment. At least to be enjoyable for both parties.”  
“I’m not kidding you. That’ s why I swerved earlier, I had a vision. And it took me very much by surprise. And then when I tried to go to sleep I saw it all. It was me and you, making love, slowly, deliberately and I could feel everything. See,that’s why I didn’t want to tell you. Now you’re sitting way over there and keep staring at me. It was just a dream.”  
“Was I at least any good?”  
“Best I’ve ever had,” you smiled and kissed him on the cheek. You finally decide to go lie down in the back and sleep for real.  
When you woke up it was light outside, the car was parked and somehow Cass was laying next to you, with his arm on your stomach. You felt warm and fuzzy inside, so you slowly pulled away, gave him another kiss, started the car and started driving.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you drove down the street you tried to keep your mind busy, which was quite difficult. There was no certain location you're heading to. Your only goal was to keep moving and to keep a distance between you and those van fuckers...  
But after a few minutes your thoughts trailed off while you watched the rich vegetation on both sides of the street rushing by. A banshee... You'd heard that word before and you had known it was mystical shit of some kind... and the dreams -yours and the dreams of the kids and families- were eerily matching Cassidy's descriptions. But why dreams? Weren't you supposed to actually stand in front of the window and howl or something?? And why did those UNIF fuckers let you run away? why has it been so easy to escape...? When that trail of thoughts wouldn't take you any further you started to think about your existence in general...  
You just got new information about yourself but it felt not as satisfying as you thought it would. Yeah sure. Good to know. But it was hard for you to wrap your head around the fact of practically being a creature from myths and tales. That was not exactly what you'd had in mind when praying to *whoever* to help you lift the curtain on your background.  
The concept of "mystical creature" alone was hard to grasp...  
And then you remembered that, as it was, vampires did , indeed, exist. It just seemed so normal with Cass that you constantly kept forgetting that vampires also were supposed to stay under the bed where all the other monsters lived.  
So why not...  
Banshee.  
Whatever that meant.  
You looked into the rearview mirror to check on your very own snoring vampire in the back seat. He was facing the seatback and had curled up on himself as far as the limited space allowed it.  
Your eyes lingered on the view for a few more seconds and suddenly you remembered something else. Your eyes widened in shock when pictures and feelings flooded your brain with such intensity that you had to look away and steady your breath while trying not to swerve the car again. You felt your face heat up and caught yourself praying for Cassidy to stay asleep.  
You took a few deep breaths and shook your head...  
No! You thought to yourself. This is not how that goes. I will not let dreams and visions define me or let them tell me what I'm supposed to feel! You shook your head once more and opened the driver's window in hope for the fresh air to clear your mind. But your eyes kept constantly wandering to the mirror and sleeping Cassidy. You'd have to face him again once he woke up...  
And since your confession went downhill with him getting all weird about it...  
You'd known that he would freak out. He could be such a sensitive plant about that... while simultaneously being the first to storm the local brothel when having enough drugs to party.  
Of course he loved you. You’d loved each other right from the beginning. But in your own way. Not like this. And according to his reaction Cass seemed to agree.  
And you didn't want to tell him at all in the first place! But with all the reveales of the last 24 hours you knew he couldn't take another secret. Especially one you kept from him actively by denying him an answer. In that case he would've stopped talking to you for real.  
You'd gone into enough detail to make him shut up. For now. It'd been the only way. Otherwise he wouldn't have stopped probing.  
But you really didn't want him to know that you'd felt him that intimate...  
moving attentively between your thighs, his hand firmly grasping for one of them, lifting and pressing it against his waist, while about to hit that spot tha-  
Your eyes fluttered shut when you could feel it. Like really feel it. Like. As if it had actually happened and you just could feel it the day after.  
You snapped back into reality, shaking your head again as though that would help.  
You turned the radio on in hope for some music to distract you. But after 10 minutes you gave up. Only three radio stations were available and all three of them were terrible. The rest was just white noise so you turned the radio off again.  
Was I at least any good? Came to your mind and made you grunt a laugh. Men...  
But yeah... it had been very good. intoxicating even...  
feeling so absolutely content with him being pressed against you, smelling him, tasting him, holding him close, hearing him gasping and snoring into the crook of your ne-   
You blinked rapidly.  
Your thoughts had just trailed off yet again but you were violently forced back into the driver's seat of your car and being reminded of the real Cass still sleeping -and snoring- on the back seat.  
How was that supposed to work from now on anyway? You had trouble watching the sleeping version of him without getting all hot and bothered how should you look into his eyes without furiously blushing, let alone witnessing his changing routine without fainting. He already thought you were sick... great. You were such a moron.  
You'd been on that beautiful but endless road for hours now and kept driving without music or anything and started to feel tired and sleepy...  
You knew that it would be dangerous to keep driving in that condition but where should you park the car? All around you were jungle-like forests with swamps and alligators...  
Normally you would wake up Cassidy... He hated it to drive during day time but would do it anyway in that case. You had to keep moving after all.  
You had to wake him up... if anything happened because you didn't wake him up and fell asleep on the steering wheel it would be a big trust issue he wouldn't let go off that easy. You couldn't do that. You also couldn't risk crashing into a tree or a swamp. But when you'd wake him up what would happen then and why did that stupid dream distract and confuse you so much and why did it feel so real and how could you even think tha-  
Suddenly a huge alligator seemed to have appeared out of nowhere that blocked the entire road and you just had enough time to realise how lost your thoughts had been before hitting the breaks as hard as you could.

The tires were screeching and the car swerved until it finally came to a halt with the alligator only a few meters away when you heard a heavy thud behind you, feeling something hit your seat.  
Shit.

-"Cass you alright??"

you heard him huff and groan behind you,   
-"Bloodyfookinghell!!!"


	4. Plaquemine

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. You were smarter than this. But the weight of the last 48 hours weighed heavily on your mind. Everything had changed so suddenly and now there you were, a banshee falling for a vampire, both hunted by some secret organisation, lost in the middle of nowhere and to top things off you almost hit a goddamn alligator. FUUUUCK!!!!  
You took a deep breath and placed your head on the wheel. It was too much. All these visions and feelings you couldn’t control and you were on the verge of losing your best friend. Tears started rolling down your cheek and pretty soon the quiet soft sob became almost a howl, reverberating through you, shaking loose all the pain and grief that had been locked tightly. Your demons were out to play and there you were again,a lost little child, begging for love and affection.   
The pain blinded you to your surroundings and you had all but forgotten that Cass was also in the car. A light touch brought you back to reality. You could see that he was holding back tears. You didn’t know why but threw yourself into his arms nonetheless and continued sobbing. You fell asleep somewhere in between the hushed whispers and gentle caresses. It was dark outside before when you came to your senses. He was still holding you. When you got up, you asked him:  
“Why did you let me sleep? We need to make time and lose those suckers. Please Cass, we need to get going or else….” Your voice trailed off, even you couldn’t bring yourself to say it. You didn’t care if they came after you, because you’d both face them guns blazing. You wanted one more minute in his arms, one more minute of feeling safe, of feeling protected. But time does not stop for anybody and you knew you had to face facts.  
He spoke first  
“We don’t have to go anywhere for now. At least I think so.”  
“I’m sorry about earlier, waking you up like that. I was just tired and my thoughts trailed off, because I know I fucked things up between us.”  
“More than you know. But I guess it had to happen at some point.”  
“Do you hate me?”  
“No. I just wish things were different. That I could look at you and not see just my best friend and the best woman I have ever known.”  
“I guess I understand. Or not. I dunno how I feel right now. I just know that I’ve felt you so close and now I have a hard time facing the fact that there’s nothing there. Can I still count on you to have my back?”  
“Always, kiddo.”  
You crawled into the back seat and pretended to go to sleep. Your heart was now in shreds and you could barely find the will to breathe. Nothing made sense anymore.  
Meanwhile Cass was behind the wheel enjoying the breeze of the night. He’d found some obscure radio station that played good music and when this song came on you felt a whole new wave of sadness come crashing over you. You did the only thing you could, closed your eyes and tried to fall asleep.   
Apparently you managed the feat, because the next time you opened your eyes it was dawn and Cass had stopped the car. You were in Plaquemine, from what the sign said.   
“I think I’m gonna stay.”  
“Stay where?”  
“Stay here, in…..Plaquemine. Get a job,lay low for a while. Maybe it’s best we part ways. They’ll have a harder time finding us this way.”  
“Are you bleeding mad? The only reason we’ve lasted so long is because we’ve stayed together. We split up now,we’re nothing but a bunch of sitting ducks. What the bloody hell has gotten into you? “  
“Maybe, maybe not. I just know I can’t do this anymore. Look at us. Have you ever seen a more fucked up pair? We don’t function together, we barely survive. Well, I’m done just surviving. You can keep this shit up if you want,but I’m done. I’m quitting us.”  
You started walking towards town. You were hoping against hope that this time, the one time it mattered, he would swallow his pride and come after you. But you knew him all too well, you were much too similar and too hotheaded, he won’t be coming after you. You heard the car speed up in the opposite direction but couldn’t bring yourself to look behind you.   
When you arrived in town you headed towards the first cafe that had a wanted sign in its window. It was called Cajun Country Cafe. After a brief interview, the owner hired you. As luck would have it they needed someone living close to the cafe or that was willing to live in a room in the back, so they can open and close the cafe.  
Days passed by and then days turned into weeks and then it was half a year later. In all this time you tried to call Cass,but he never answered. All of your texts were left unanswered too. Until one night, when he called you at 2 AM. His voice was somewhat slurred, but he was coherent enough.  
“I just called to see how you were.”  
“I’m...fine.No,you know what I am? Pissed. Pissed at you because you couldn’t see I was pushing you away because I was too hurt to do anything else. You left me behind and never looked back. I know you don’t love me, but for fucks sake you were supposed to be my best friend. “  
“I know.”  
“That’s it? You know? Then why did you call me in the blessed AM to tell me fuck all?”  
“I just miss you. I wanted to hear your voice.”  
It never occured to you that maybe he was in pain too. That he made a rash decision one day and hasn’t said a word because he felt too bad and didn’t know how to say he was sorry.  
“I’m sorry. I never should have left you like that. But what am I supposed to say? You dropped all those truth bombs on me and it was all too much and I did the only thing I know how,I ran.”  
“You unbelievable fuckwit, you knobhead….I just needed my friend and you ran away like a little wuss.”  
“Hey fuck you. I needed my friend too and all she did was say she loves me and walk out on me. You’re not the only one who lost something that day. Don’t you dare put the blame all on me. We both fucked up and we both put ourselves together as best as we knew how.”  
There was a long silence.  
“Come get me. I miss you.”  
“I’m on my way.”  
You packed in a hurry; you didn’t have many belongings anyway and sat on the bed waiting. The wait was long and without wanting to, you fell back asleep. Your alarm woke you; you had to open the cafe. And he was nowhere to be seen. So you put on your apron and your best smile,went out front and unlocked the door. People were already starting to pass by and you knew that soon enough there will be a line of regulars coming to get their lattes. You took comfort in that. The little daily rituals, the routine that calms your nerves somewhat.   
You were trying to put last night behind you, when you saw him. Tall,dark and handsome is what some might describe him, but to you he was your best friend. He stood in line, all geared up, umbrella by his side, waiting patiently. When he was finally in front of you, your cheeks hurt from all that smiling.  
“Can I have a latte?”  
“Since when do you drink coffee?”  
“Since I came here and found out that tea in this country is shite,” he said with a smirk.  
You let out a laugh. Suddenly it was like old times. Only you both knew it wasn’t and you had much to say to each other.  
He took his coffee and sat at the smallest table. You finally finished with work for the morning and sat down in front of him.  
“Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, he walks into mine.”  
“You had to do that, didn’t you?”  
“Couldn’t help myself. I’ve been waiting to say that all morning.”  
“Are you coming with me?”  
“Do you want me to?”  
The air suddenly fell stale and the sunlight dimmed,as if on command. Perhaps this was a new beginning, a clean plate for the both of you. Alas, you were still you and he was still your best friend, whom you thought you knew by heart. Nothing was really forgiven,forgotten with him.   
“I’ve thought about that question a hundred times a day since we parted ways. And everyday I almost got in the car and drove out to get you. But I didn’t. Because you needed to forget me. Because you’re starry-eyed for a man that doesn’t exist. I’m not that bloody two good shoes you keep wanting me to be. I’m a fecking weirdo and loser and I cannot love you that way. If you want to fuck,then that’s fine by me, but come morning I will be gone again without you because that would ruin everything between us.”  
You stood staring in the distance. He wasn’t wrong. You’d fuck up everything with one swift move. So you were at a crossroads. Either go with him and have him near,but never in that way or simply not have him at all.  
“Go to my room. You can sleep if you want or watch TV. I’ve just gotta finish today and we can leave come nightfall.”  
“I guess I can be OK with that.”  
He took the key you left on the table and made his way to your room. At least you bought yourself some time before you decided for good what you were gonna do.  
The room itself was pretty small. There was an open laptop next to a small TV and a framed photo next to the bed. It was one of those ridiculous selfies you two used to take when you were having too much fun. His eyes turned towards the laptop again. It was open in a document and that piqued his interest. He sat down and began to read and soon realized it was your journal. Some remorse came over him, but curiosity prevailed and he started reading.  
“....I am still a work in progress and most times it’s hard to accept. I am afraid of more things I’d care to name, but most of all I am afraid I will be a mediocre person with a simulated life,pretending to be happy. I am such a child at times, with a fickle heart and a quick temper. I know what I don’t like and have no idea of what I want my future to be. I just wish he was in it. He’s my best friend and I’m so afraid I’ve lost him; I could never forgive myself. Such a stupid thing to do, walk out in the middle of an argument. He infuriates me and every time he makes me mad I just want to strangle him. He also shows me what it is to be understanding and compassionate and loyal to a fault. He’s so sincere about everything it’s almost painful. Even when he shouldn’t be,especially when he shouldn’t be. The complex intricacies of his personality always surprise me and lately I’m left in awe of all that he is. But I can’t tell him that. He’s made it clear how it’s gonna be between us. I like to lie to myself and think that maybe he is just too afraid to open himself to something as spectacular and as mundane as love. Yeah,that’s it, it’s fear that’s holding him back,not the fact that he feels nothing for me.”  
That’s where you’d stopped writing, the little vertical black line blinking away. He shouldn’t have read it. He now had half a mind to go out there and swipe you up your feet. He sat and thought about it for a long time. He loved you with all his heart,but he couldn’t risk losing you again. It would kill him this time. The time he spent away from you was filled with drugs and nameless women that were gone in the morning,leaving him even emptier than the night before. He’d tried to forget you,he really did, but nothing worked. He lay on the bed and took in your perfume, that was forever lingering on your pillow. It was intoxicating. And then it happened. He had a vision too. It was of the two of you, in that room, clinging desperately to each other while in ecstasy. It shook him to his core, mostly because it felt so real. Like he was remembering something he’d tried so hard to forget. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were serving the customers for the rest of the day and your mind got busy. You fell back in old thoughts regularly, being sad that Cass was gone...  
Then you remembered that he was actually there in your room waiting for your shift to end...  
Then you remembered your last conversation and it made your heart drop again.  
You worked on autopilot serving the customers half heartedly. On one hand you were waiting for your shift to end... On the other hand you felt anxious to meet Cass in your room. How was it going to go from now on??? He was so right. Those stupid feelings of yours could destroy everything that was between you and had been so pure, platonic and innocent. You couldn't let that happen! There was only one way to achieve that goal. It was clear. You had to bury your emotions. The thought hurt. A lot. It was something you never had to do with Cass. You've done it so many times but with Cass you'd always feel free. To hide your feelings from him now was something you'd never thought would be necessary. But it was the only way. There was that pain again. A pain you hadn't felt for ages... That pinch, cold as ice, spreading from your heart to your spine and tingling along your limbs and causing that awful goosebumps that you hadn't felt for years.  
When your shift finally ended a small part of you didn't want to go upstairs. It wanted to get in the car and just drive. Cass would understand. In a way... When you locked the door your eyes lingered on your car that you had not seen for almost 7 months and you felt that urge again to just get in and drive...  
You turned your back on the door and headed through the kitchen and to the door that led to the rest of the building. When you arrived at your door your heart was pounding and your stomach turned. You felt sick with fever, ready to throw up. You reached for the doorknob and turned it. You didn't know what to expect when entering the room... Again a small part of you thought that he'd already be gone. But he was sitting there on the edge of your bed and fumbling with something that looked like a string of fabric. When you entered he looked up immediately with a strange look on his face. You knew it. You already destroyed everything. He looked like he wanted to say something. Maybe he'd changed his mind and didn't want you to come with him anymore...  
So you spoke first.  
-"Are you ready?" you asked. And Cass downright jumped to his feet grabbing your bag. It threw you slightly off track that he responded so instantly and positively. He still looked bewildered though.  
And then you saw it...  
You'd thought you already packed everything but then you saw your laptop standing next to the TV. Just this morning you'd taken it out again trying to articulate your feelings since Cass was about to come back and get you...  
Shit.  
Did he read it? The screensaver was on but...  
He'd definitely read it...  
You felt your head heating up.  
You walked over to the laptop, closed it and grabbed the picture of you. With both in hand you turned to Cass again and nodded as a sign to go. Even if he'd read it he seemed willing to leave with you and you didn't ask him about your journal. He nodded back at you and you both headed to the door. When both your hands were reaching for the doorknob and touching, Cass winced and pulled his hand back as though he'd burned it. This made you stop in your tracks and look at him confused.  
-"What was that?" You asked.  
-"I-... Nothing, I...-" he stammered, "I just thought you wanted to open the door so I made room." he finished while awkwardly scratching his head. You let go of the doorknob looking at Cass.  
-"Is that so?" you asked, "Just so you know I don't believe you. If you can't deal with my feelings for you and can't even bear to touch my hand then I'm very sorry for already having ruined everything between us. But in that case it's probably better we part our ways again because thi-"  
-"NO!" he interrupted you, "No. it's not that. It's..." he paused, taking a deep breath.  
-"What?" you pinched the bridge of your nose. This was already too much and you felt yourself trembling. Of course it was that. What else should there be?  
-"Nothing" he said, looking down. And then he opened the door. When you looked up at him the look on his face was different. He looked determined and actually smiled. "Well let's go, what're we waiting for?" he said and left the room. You were standing there for another couple of seconds before you heard Cass call after you and walked downstairs and out to the car.  
Since it was sunset Cass was the driver for the night and you started chatting about the last 6 months you hadn't seen each other. It turned out Cassidy had much more to tell then you did. He'd actually done some research on the van jerks. Or more precisely he stumbled across some information. He'd gone to the UNIF foster family's house where you'd stayed last and maybe had found something useful. It wasn't much but it was an adresse. It was a strange adresse because according to the map there was nothing. But given the situation it was just another reason to head right there. It would be a few days till they'd reach it but what else was there to do? You kept talking for the next hours as if nothing had happened. It felt like back then when everything was alright. But soon enough it was your turn to go to sleep in the backseat so you could drive when daylight came.  
When shift change came it was a rainy day with heavy clouds all around so Cassidy stayed in the front seat. You came to a gas station, filled the tank and got something for breakfast and other snacks and drinks for the ride before heading back on the road. You talked again, found a nice radio channel, sang along a few times and actually had a few laughs as well. You were just about to forget that things had been strange between the two of you when you realised that your conversations stopped every now and then. It was always Cass that stopped talking and when you noticed you could see him, out of the corner of your eyes, watching you. Everytime you turned your head he winced and started talking again. Talking bordering on rambling, really...  
And you remembered that there was still something strange between you.  
The next time you caught him staring you didn't turn your head and tried to watch him as best you could. He looked so soft and content. At least it seemed like that. But the thought of him looking at you like that after all that strangeness that had happened seemed impossible. Whatever it was you thought you'd see out of the corner of your eye it was most likely wishful thinking...  
When Cass went to sleep in the backseat you were about to panic. What if the thoughts or the visions came back? What if you crashed an alligator for real this time? But before you really could get into that thought you heard him talking to you again. His voice sounded tired and sleepy but he kept talking to you until his answers and stories turned into the familiar snoring you hadn't heard for far too long. You didn't know if he'd sensed your flaring panic or if he just wanted to talk for another minute but you were grateful he did. you felt more at ease and calm this time...  
After an hour or two you heard Cass from behind you. Was he awake and talking to you again?  
-"What is it Cass?" you asked. But there was no answer. Just mumbling. Huh. Must be dreaming...  
You forgot about it and startled a few minutes later when you heard him moaning indistinctly and then an actual growl came from his throat. You had heard this growl only one time. It was when you got into trouble one day. It had been a close call and you almost didn't make it. There was this guy that had been about to shoot you when suddenly Cass appeared and tackled him down and growled at him like an animal before starting to chew on the guy's neck...  
Maybe it was a nightmare then...  
Should you wake him?  
But before you could make up your mind you heard that growl again and then he startled to awakeness, sitting upright in the backseat. That sudden outburst scared you so much that you swerved the car again, hit the brakes and pulled over. You looked at him through the mirror and asked him if he was alright. When he didn't respond you yelled his name and he finally looked at you. He looked muddled and dishevelled, breathing heavy and looking at you through the mirror with a look of shock and something else in his eyes... he almost looked like he'd just had se...- oh my god! No please god no that's impossible!


	5. Chapter 5

It was becoming this annoying, unspoken thing between the two of you and you were going to put an end to it now. You’re pissed off and relieved that maybe he did feel the same way about you, so naturally you yelled at him:  
“You….you...you unbelievable idiot! What did you dream about? Tell me or I swear I will have your balls on a platter and feed them to the crocodiles.”  
“What I dream or not dream is really none of your concern,” he piped halfheartedly.  
“You’re not doing the offended routine with me. It becomes my concern when you dream about me.”  
“And how would you know I was dreaming about you?I didn’t even say your name.”  
“Besides the fact that you just confirmed it? You can’t even look me in the eyes. And I heard you growl.”  
You couldn’t admit it without giving yourself away, but knowing that he growled like that when he was dreaming of you, made you weak to the knees. You knew you were flushed red, but you were hoping that he’d put that on account of your rage.   
“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this. It’s just fecking weird. I’ve lost my mind and I’ve just missed you, that’s all. I can’t lose you too. Not because I’m being stupid. You’re me best friend. You’re the yin to my fucked up yang. I know it sounds like shite when I say it out loud, but I will not lose the only person in my life that I love just because I can’t keep it in my pants.”   
You took a long look at his face and sighed. He was right. No matter how much you hated it, no matter how much you wanted him, it would ruin everything. You gently cupped his face and kissed him on the forehead. Somehow this song started playing just as he took your hand and kissed it. It was too much. You could have kissed him right then with all the feverish passion that you had always felt for him.   
“I want to kiss you Cass.” you said in a whisper.  
“I know. But that is exactly why you mustn’t do it.”  
Tears slowly started to run down your face. You kissed his cheek one last time and got out of the car. You didn’t know where you were going, it just had to be anywhere where he wasn’t. So you could scream your pain into the void and surrender to it. He didn’t follow you. Maybe space was what both of you needed. Only you’d had 6 months of space between the two of you and instead of it doing it any good it only made you want him more.  
You were on your knees howling helplessly at the moon, cursing your own fate and character.  
After you let out all of your emotions and collapsed on the middle of the road, you felt a pair of hands pick you up and take you to the car. You saw Cass in a haze and soon fell asleep. No matter what tomorrow may bring you knew you were safe with him. Heartbroken but safe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading!  
> And if you liked it, feel free to leave kudos or a comment <3


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